I have struggled. I can’t say what the cause is – could be financial? could be the horrendous cold snap? could be hormones? Doesn’t matter because everything changes constantly. All of those reasons will change as they do but the shininess of my New Year Goals has tarnished and I have to figure out how to continue forward.
So, as I am preparing my “speech” for this post, I realize that there are some things I have neglected. My journaling pages have become have pages of nothingness. I haven’t been really touching base with myself. It’s become a quick pass in the hall – how are you? I’m good. Good. That’s not the way to do it. It makes sense to me now why Julia Cameron requires 3 whole pages because I might have been forced to have a real conversation with myself.
I was going to talk about how I am struggling to even care about my goals. It’s true – I am struggling. Does anything I do really matter? But it was that part of me that really needed to let out all that toxic thinking that was driving this post. And I am not sorry. Had I not decided that this is what I needed to do, then I wouldn’t have taken the time to have a little longer conversation with myself.
What I have realized is that I have gotten just a little lazy. It happens. I got a little busy. I got a little tired. The cat got a lot needy. It got cold. All of those things feed into my negative care. I stop doing things for myself. It’s subtle at first but it snowballs and here I am. I know that I am not as low as I could go because I caught it. How I was able to catch it – I can’t tell you. I wish I could. I wish I could tell myself. I wish there was a checklist or a something, anything, to keep me at the perfect level of self care and intuition.
I started thinking about the few goals, or challenges or whatever you wish to call them, that I set for myself last month (can you believe it’s only been 2 months into 2018?). My eating better has been a struggle. I know I am eating better but I fight myself a lot. I want to eat well and I want to eat junk. Sometimes I want to eat junk instead of dinner. I want to eat huge plates of pasta and a loaf of bread – the food limits be damned. I give in just a little. The last time I just gave into the pasta, I was terribly sorry. My body was so mad at me. That’s a good thing because I won’t do it again. I had skipped my salad for more pasta and bread and spent the night with the worst stomach ache I’ve had in years. I was in so much pain my husband hovered wondering if I should go to the emergency room. I assured him that it wasn’t fatal but it was a good lesson. I am doing better things for my body. I feel better even if I don’t feel like I have more energy (darn this winter).
I have a good support system. And I know that, over time, I will have great rewards. Right now – it’s hard. It’s hard to find joy when it feels like more work than reward. I haven’t built all the good habits.
So now that I have confessed all my sins, what am I going to do?
I’m going to renew my commitment. I’m going to pretend I haven’t slipped and keep moving as if I have always been doing things the way I wanted to do them. I am doing that because I don’t want to start over. I don’t want to erase all the work I have put in. I have made mistakes but I will think of them as learning experiences, things that haven’t quite worked that need a little altering. Altering is far better than starting over.
I invite you to join me. Let’s evaluate our New Year’s whatever. It’s a brand new lunar year as of last week so it’s perfect timing. What can we do to take care of ourselves? What can we do to stay motivated to make good changes for our lives? If you haven’t set challenges or goals for yourself – then what do you want to do? It’s never too late to start afresh.