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I’m sitting here drawing.  I’m relearning the basics and my current task is drawing a circle in a square freehand.  It’s not as easy as it sounds and it’s strangely meditative.  As my hands move across the page, I get to thinking about math.  More importantly how math and art are more linked than we think.

This gets me thinking about other things – such as a video about the science behind the movie Lucy.  I hadn’t heard anything about the movie prior to this video and this isn’t really about that.  What has my attention at this moment is that the idea of right brain/left brain is incorrect.  Our brains don’t actually separate that way.  So the area that works on math is the same that focuses on art.  We are creative and intellectual all at once.

This made me think of a comment a friend made (to another friend) recently.  Friend 1 was feeling creatively blocked so friend 2 suggested that she try something right brained to stimulate the left brain.  It’s something we all know and understand – creative is opposite intellectual.

What gets me more is this world of duality we live in.  I’ve mentioned this before.  This idea of duality or just the concept of separation of ideas is what lead me to start this blog – well the hope of eliminating that from my life.  Prior to starting this blog, I wrote 4 blogs, all on different topics, because topics can’t cross.  If I want to talk religion, I must have a religion blog.  If I want to talk books, I must have a book blog.  If I want to talk food, I have to have a food blog.  The end result was that I hated them all after awhile because I wasn’t able to be me.  I was just sharing a small aspect of myself.  I had compartmentalized my life so much that I was exhausted trying to remember who I was.

I still find myself torn.  I can’t be smart and be an artist, right?  Okay that was just to tie in the duality of the brain but the truth is there are moments when I feel like I can’t be me, completely.

I recently went through a crisis of faith.  I hadn’t talked about it to anyone but my family and not even my whole family.  Not because I was ashamed or hiding anything but because I just wasn’t sure what I was feeling.  I wanted to announce my departure from my church.  Then I realized something – my problem stemmed from the fact that I was afraid to be complete.  I like to think I’m open but the moments that haunt me the most are the moments when I wasn’t true to myself.

Why do we live in duality?  Self-preservation comes to mind but I think it’s because we didn’t realize that we didn’t have to.  Just like the concept of left brain/right brain.  We still believe that to be true even though neuroscience has proven it an outdated concept.

I just remembered an episode of Psych – it was about a successful man who married a beautiful woman.  The man was a huge nerd – loved sci-fi and what not but it didn’t fit with his new lifestyle so he built a secret room to hide that part of his life.  Eventually his wife found out – she was mad not because he was a nerd but because he didn’t feel comfortable enough to share with her.  If I remember correctly, she liked it too.

The point is – people who love us can feel when we are not being us.  When we hide away a part of ourselves, we not only hurt ourselves but those around us.  We don’t give them the chance to be complete with us either.  There will always be that sense of withholding.  That leads to a strain on the ability to trust – it’s not a stretch, we’re not trusting them enough to love all of us.

I’ve come to a conclusion that if you only like or love the part of me that I show and can’t accept the deeper hidden parts of me, then you don’t really like or love me.  I have to learn to love all the parts of me, to do that I must first accept them.   I need to stop hiding them and accept the consequences.

That doesn’t mean my personality is going to change, it just means that I am working on not being afraid to say the things I really want to say.  If people are shocked, I don’t mind telling them that while God said to love your neighbor, he also said to love them as you love yourself.  How can you love anyone if you don’t love yourself?  That means all of you.