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I was just sitting thinking about how I interact with people. I offered up some critiques for a class and that always makes me nervous. I try to be objective but nothing really is objective. Every thing we see, feel, do, read becomes personal. Every opinion and observation is always from our perspective no matter how much we try to be more worldly. I hate critiques but I love the idea of helping someone become better. I like the idea, the concept of being a part of something bigger.
I believe it’s human nature – this desire to want to see the success of others and to be a part of that. I, also, believe it’s human to want recognition. We want to feel important. That’s all part of survival. We crave that connection.
The problem is, sometimes, I’m not sure my help is really helpful. Sometimes, I feel like I made a big mistake and have made the world mad at me. I never know if these feelings are normal. I often feel alone in my feelings and in my little world. It was far easier to live in a fantasy world than to deal with others when I was growing up. I wanted friends but friends came with negative feelings and I was always making one mistake or another. I often felt like I was outside looking in.
Not one to stay idle, I learned to stay on the outside. It’s an okay place to be even when I desperately want to be inside. I’m not talking popular, I’m talking about not alone. There’s a big difference. I have never felt normal. I have always felt that my emotions were wrong. That my behavior was just off, even if just a little. I never could figure out how to fit.
As I got older, I cared a little less. I found ways to connect with just a few and go from there. I have some deep friendships but sometimes I still feel as if I’m wrong. I just don’t get the world. Then it started to dawn on me. Maybe everyone else feels that way. As I talked with people, I started to discover that more and more felt neuroatypical. There’s jokes that go around for those who are comfortable with the concept of ADHD or spectrum disorder (often known as Autism). These are often parents of children with these diagnoses.
There’s an advantage to being on the outside. You get to observe so much. I started to notice that everyone I met had some weird behavior – I bet you have one. That one that comes out like a drunk uncle when you least desire it to. It’s that one that the logic center of your brain yells at and yet it still progresses without control. Okay maybe it’s not like that for everyone but I have realized that either I have attracted absolutely no neurotypical people into my life or there is no such thing. I may have figured out why.
If you were a religious person asked why we get weirder every year, you might say that every generation moves further from Adam’s perfection (I have actually heard this – not making it up and I’m not trying to be offensive). If you asked my mother, she’d say that America was founded by undesirables and crazy people so we’re screwed genetically. My husband would say someone’s peeing in the gene pool.
Me – I think we’ve just lost social control. There was a time when we lived in small social groups but now we’re not really connecting. There’s a lot of interaction but not in person. We can become whatever we desire when we live our lives online or in brief encounters. We don’t have that same structure. Society is in chaos and no one is teaching us how to be normal anymore – that has gone the way of the dinosaurs. Our true colors are coming out and we’re all crazy. That’s okay with me. I don’t mind crazy so long as it still cuts the crusts off my sandwich. And forwards me kitty pictures – I really like kitty pictures.